BUT let us just pause for a moment and think about what the term “help” means and signify.  When we look at the definition of help it is about giving “assistance or support” or “to provide something that is useful” (Merriam-Webster dictionary).

I have been thinking about help a great deal of late, mainly because I am learning to live with being “helpless” in terms of supporting my elderly mother who is a 4-hour drive away!  And I am learning that I dislike being helpless, I so want to make things better and easier for her, rescue her and be the “super-daughter fixer”! However, in doing all of this I would be taking away her power, resourcefulness, making-it better and fixing/problem solving!  And so, I am reflecting on what does/could “help” and “wanting to help” really mean for us as coaches and what might it infer in one’s coaching practice?

Of course, we can justify our desire to help as a strength and an asset to one’s coaching, as it can mean that we are supporting, making things easier, facilitating growth and development etc.  However, let us look at the flip side as it might also imply and infer that the individual, we are coaching needs “fixing or making better” in some way, or that as the helper we are more “sorted” than they are, and finally of course “being the helper” gives us, the coach, power over the other person.  Therefore, in sum, I am left mulling over the fact that our desire to be helpful is likely to be projecting something (unconsciously) into a coaching relationship that is not helpful at all! As this projection will tip the balance in the relationship away from one of equality and undermine the philosophy of “unconditional positive regard”, as it will be saying “you are not a whole resourceful human being who can think for yourself.”

With that in mind let’s stop wanting to help and perhaps think about supporting, facilitating, walking alongside, journeying, and partnering so that “the purpose of our interventions is to mobilise our coachees’ level of excitement and energy towards development and growth” (Leary-Joyce, 2014).  Also, let’s take some time to reflect and think about why we want to help so much, and identify what is our need that is being fulfilled by doing the helping.  With that in mind I offer a few questions for reflection:

• How do you feel about being helped by others?
• How does it feel to be helpless?
• What is your motivation to help others?
• What need are you meeting in yourself by helping others?

Starr, J. (2021). The coaching manual. Pearson UK.

Leary Joyce, J. (2014). The Fertile Void. AoEC Press, UK.

Julia Carden is an Executive Coach and Coach Supervisor. Alongside Julia’s coaching and supervision practice she is a visiting tutor at Henley Business School teaching on the Professional Certificate in Executive Coaching, MSc in Executive Coaching and Behavioural Change and heads up the Professional Certificate in Coaching Supervision.

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A multi-party contracting/tripartite meeting helps to set the scene and clarify the desired coaching outcomes and/or review progress. This type of meeting is usually used where the individual who is receiving coaching is different from the party who has contracted the coach.  Not all coaching contracts would include a multi-party/tripartite/3-way session(s).

Although the term Multi-party is used, there are usually 3 parties:  the individual or team to be (or being) coached, a sponsor representing the entity who hired the coach, and the coach.  The representative could be the line manager, Human Resources or other sponsor.In thinking about such a meeting, a good question to bear in mind is,

 “How do you, as the coach, create a safe space to ensure an open and honest discussion is had, to bring alignment in outcomes for both coachee and the sponsor/line manager?”

When does it happen?

This is a meeting and not a coaching session. There could be up to 3 of these meetings.  The first meeting is best at the start of a coaching programme to set the scene, provide context for the programme, set expectations, and clarify.  A second meeting may be arranged mid-programme to check progress and resolve any issues which may be arising.  The third meeting at the end of a programme to check on progress and learn lessons, is usual.

Tripartite contracting is most often initiated by a sponsor who wants their interest registered in coaching conversation.  Such an interest could be to express support for the relationship and its outcomes for the coachee.  A key point to keep in mind is what the coachee or team wants from this meeting.  A coachee is likely to want to be reassured about confidentiality of the coaching conversations and any reporting back expectation.  They may want to clarify any expectations around payment, number of sessions, additional sessions if required.

What does the sponsor want from this meeting?

Depending on the maturity of the sponsor as a buyer of coaching, they may want a range of outputs from this meeting. Examples include:

• To meet the coach who has been assigned an important role,
• To ensure that the organisation’s expectations are communicated to both coachee and coach together, especially measures of success.
• To place constraints or limitations on the coaching.

What does the coach want from this meeting?

The coach would usually want to understand the coachees’ context, along with the sponsor’s expectations and requirements.

The coach’s professional ethics would need to be on show at this meeting to establish a strong relationship with the coachee.

The coach would be best advised to clarify lines of communication which protect the integrity of the confidentiality in the coach-coachee relationship. Personally, I would be willing to share information about administrative arrangements for the coaching process with the sponsor, including session bookings, attendance, venue, equipment.

Where there are large enough numbers of coachees so that individuals could not be identified, a coach ought to be able to share themes from the sessions which require organisational attention.

It is good practice for a coach to support a coachee to directly communicate specific feedback and other information to their manager or other sponsor.  This would keep lines of communication clean and can help coachee and sponsor to develop their communication, especially where the sponsor is the line manager.

Coach Presence

Coach Presence is what the coach embodies when they are fully present in the meeting, attentive and responsive to the other parties.  The coach is best served by showing up as a coach, even when facilitating a dialogue between coachee and sponsor.

The coach is encouraged to collect valuable data from the tripartite meeting about the relationship between coachee and sponsor, observing the coachee’s interactions with a third person.  This could provide evidence and insights which may later prove useful to the coaching relationship.

It is important to follow-up after the meeting to ensure documentation and sharing of any decisions and clarifications made in the meeting.  The sponsor may undertake this task.

Conclusion

Multi-party, tripartite or 3-way contracting is undertaken in coaching engagements to bring the stakeholders of the coaching assignment together.  The sponsor may require it or the coach may deem it important after understanding the coaching brief. The coach should maintain a coaching presence, aiming to establish relationships, clarify lines of communication and collect context data which would be useful in the coaching assignment.

Joseph Ogbonna is a London-based versatile, experienced coach, with excellent supporting skills in strategic thinking, relationship building, mindfulness, organisational development, project and programme management skills, serving a range of public and private sector clients.

Read more blogs from Joseph Ogbonna – Lessons for a generation, “Keep Calm and Wash your hands”

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As a supervisor, I aim to maintain the coaching philosophy that the coachee knows best the actions for themselves. The supervisee did write down to review ICF ethics but more importantly many aspects of the relationship were explored. I have just reviewed the ICF ethics myself. The current wording talks about ‘sexual or romantic’ involvement, which is more specific than I remember. Level of intimacy becomes a possible measure but leaves plenty of scope for discussion of ‘friendly’.

What does friendly mean to you in a coaching relationship?

What does friendly mean to you in a coaching relationship? Of course, there is some level of caring for the coachee, to maintain trust, the exchange of truths and commitment to the coachee’s agenda. If you and I were friendly only for a social, sporting or work activity but for no particular purpose outside that, how do we describe that level of ‘friendly’ versus the sort where there may be more co-dependence.

A nice thing about rules is that they provide a black and white perspective: clear and definite guidance. Real situations have that grey quality where we need to get clearer on that we’re talking about. As Whitworth, Kimsey-House and Sandahl (1998) say, as do many others (eg WBECS webinar with Jonathan Reitz in  Jan 2023) , the coach decides whether they will coach someone and highlight any perceived issues while coaching.

Discussion of boundaries is a skill and if we don’t practice this, we may never feel comfortable to do so. We know that the coaching relationship affects the coaching, so let us consider it vitally important to practice contracting activity just as much as the coaching. In my experience many supervisory conversations relate back to what contracting has (or has not) taken place because more discussion about the coaching relationship could be useful. Supervision provides a rich learning situation for the contracting world of grey.

How well do you decide on your own about whether you will coach a prospective client?

How well do you decide on your own about whether you will coach a prospective client? If you’ve coached them for a lengthy period and have become friendly, would you coach them again? If you’re reluctant to bring issues to supervision for any reason, I encourage you to consider it is part of being the professional you are.  Airing perspectives helps us to look more closely at specifics and gain clarity on what we really think/feel. If you feel some discomfort, it’s probably worth addressing.

Co-dependency challenges relate to the subconscious affects on both coach and coachee. Self-management skills in the coach will help to notice when we feel we are protecting ourselves. Whitworth, KImsey-House and Sandahl(1998) talk generally about ‘forbidden territory’ and noticing when one is not able to go places where the coachee needs to be challenged: ‘chances are these are [coach’s] blind spots or habits of defence’ (p101). Collusion with a friend might be especially tempting; perhaps anticipating what the coachee is capable of or not asking challenging questions for fear of upset.

The coach’s awareness-building skills can help the coachee recognise when they are resisting the coaching process for whatever reason: perhaps they seek advice or are not ready to change or expect sympathy or other support. Could this risk the coaching or friendship in any way? Absence of the ‘friend’ in the coaching relationship may feel discomforting to the coachee. What we share about ourselves as supervisor/coach is a fascinating topic for me and I wonder what you think about it. However, the focus of this blog is how we broach ‘friendliness’ in the contracting process, thus air potential risks. E.g. when a coachee emerges from coaching might the friendship have changed too?

What are your thoughts on how to measure and talk about ‘friendliness’?

Reference: Whitworth, L, Kimsey-House, H. & Sandahl, P. (1998). Co-active coaching: New skills for Coaching People Towards Succcess in Work and Life . Davies-Black Publishing, Palo Alto.

Shirley Thompson straddles coach supervision, project management and Agile interests aiming to support those who use coaching skills in a variety of circumstances.

Read more blogs from Shirley

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